To wit: Ialready got a health bill this year for the full amount ($230.00) from ascheduled prostate-cancer checkup last Decembera blood test and apiss-in-the-cup, “here’s your hat, what’s your hurry”that doesn’t even mentionthe 50-focking-dollars as co-pay I had to fork over to thegal-behind-the-window before I could take a seat in the nicely appointedwaiting-area and peruse their what-the-fock collection of periodicals (what, noBendover, no Cavalier, no Teen Tarts of the Hohenzollerns?).
So now I gotto chew up valuable personal time and get on the phonewhen I shouldmore importantly be relaxed on my sofa whilst monitoring my TV so as to be ableto report accurately on the celebrationof the descent of “American culture” from dumb to dumber (I could also spendsome time learning how to write shorter sentences, ain’a?)to some kind of HMO or another so’s to try andfigure out why I’m expected to all of a sudden take one up the butt sidewayswhen the “co-pay” had been good enough for each of the previous four years? Hasthe “co-pay” been increased to include the waxing and polishing of thereceptionist’s car not to mention buying her daughter a nice focking dress forspring prom, and somehow I wasn’t informed? Hey, you tell me.
And thenI’ll tell you’s that they can kiss my ass if they think I’m going to pay thatbill. As of right now, I’m privatizing my bank account, which means no paymentfor bullshit medical bills. Like it or lump it, but the shysters and conniverswho’ve dipped their wick into the health of the unfortunate need to go, tohell, now.
But Idigress. Here it is mid-January, and I figure sinceI’m on such a roll with my predicting, I thought I better quick whip out thepair of crystal balls I keep on hand for this kind of line of work and make haywhile the day is long for getting more specific.
You know, your averagerun-of-the-hack newspaper columnist loves to write the yearly “predictions”column ’cause all he has to do is come up with a bunch of bullshit as quick ashe can, call it done and get to his stool at the nearest tavern earlier in theafternoon than usual. But since I hold a loftier positionthat of essayistI’mforced to take a little more personal responsibility for whatever it is thatcomes out in the paper under my focking name; so you can really trust that thefollowing is what I truly see occurring at some point during 2010, I kid you not.
And I don’t exactly want to saythat I feel pretty gosh darn good about my soothsaying ways, but between youand me, if you’re a betting man I suggest you refinance the house and raid thekid’s college fund for a little scratch to lay down ’cause what follows is afree ticket to ride the gravy train that delivers all passengers to Fat CatCity, provided you got the guts to make a little wager here and there.
2010 in a Soothsaying Nut’s Shell
- The Alabama Crimson Tide will best theLonghorns out of Texasfor the BCS national championship. (Hell, I’ll even give you the score: 37-20,maybe 21.)
- The Russians invent the telephone,declare that radio and shoddy real-estate deals in the United Statessoon to follow.
- Art Kumbalek nominated for Tony Award asbest actor in the Broadway smash-hit musical/docudrama of the ’10-’11 season, Art Kumbalek vs. the Focking Martians andWhatever Else You Got Under the Rainbow.
- Former President George W. Bush takesjob as head-greeter at Nevada casino, shortlythereafter sentenced to death for shooting a man in Reno, just to watch him die.
- Art Kumbalek performs emergencyopen-heart surgery on “health-care-reform” ass-wipe Sen. Joe Lieberman.
- Art Kumbalek delivers cuss-ladensnarky eulogy at Lieberman funeral.
- There will be a sucker born everyminute.
- Erstwhile hockeymom Sarah Palin dies in delivery of her and Tiger Woods’ love childlastwords are, “I can see Amen Corner from here,” you betcha.
- Here’s a two for one: A stunninglysudden and quixotic evolutionary modification leaves pigs the ability to fly,and the Sarah Palin wing of the Republican Party adopts and adapts words by thelate U.S. Sen. Daniel Patrick Moynihan (D-N.Y.) as their new motto:“Ideological certainty easily degenerates into insistence upon ignorance.”
- Jesus H. Christ returns to Earth,replaces Simon Cowell on TV’s “American Idol.”
- RodgersKumbalek ... touchdown!
- Too many tears.
- At the end of the year, Art Kumbalekpredicts that 2011 will suck even more than 2010 did and re-predicts for ’11anything he predicted for ’10 that didn’t come to pass, ’cause I’m Art Kumbalekand I told you so.
